I feel I am not qualified to discuss the suicide of a man like Robin Williams because for a long time I have held the iron taste of death clenched between my jaws and been unable to either bite down or release and there’s too much bitter fucking irony that we children of laughter seem to be so much sadder than we show ourselves to be and I don’t know I don’t know
I don’t usually care about celebrities but everyone in my family kind of wants to snap themselves in half and all I know is that when my brother went into the blackness that comes in waves he used to listen to tapes from Robin’s early days and through those moments relearned how to laugh again and I think Robin might have saved my brother’s life a couple of times and
my momma said “i grew up with him” she said “he did so much to make us laugh but this isn’t funny” and her eyes looked so sad i felt like she called the rain to her
today at work we were supposed to start off the camp day with jokes and instead we just read out his words like they were a poem and somehow our hearts quietly broke i never met the man and i feel like all of our smiles have become a funeral
i heard that at disneyworld they set off fireworks in honor of him as if to remind us of the way he shone like the stars even in the darkness and that made me cry more than anything
because i’m a very small girl with shaky hands and a heart as bloody as they get and i’m always the one making a joke about something because they can’t tell you’re vulnerable if you just hide it and i’ve been fighting the same monsters inside that eventually found him
i just want to make this world a place where people aren’t so lonely i want to make it easy to find peace outside of a final sleep i just hope you know that if you’re thinking of leaving that people you never met are going to weep and it won’t be pretty just imagine how those who love you feel it will rip them open from their hair to their feet and i know this because suicide has taken so many friends from me please just stay with us okay please i love you even though you might never know me i love you because we are under the same sun and same moon and both of us have tasted the whitedark of depression inside our teeth
you are not alone tonight, my love. you have me.